Oh boy do I adore that Daniel (aka Jada), since he has expressed preference in me using his real name instead of his drag one. I so enjoy him, even though he's a little moody. I can deal with that. He has such a good soul.  I was supposed to head out to the bar tonight after work, but I'm so sore from my book hunting and then from work, plus tired from lack of sleep that once I sat down 'just for a minute' it turned into hours as I ended up talking on the phone with Daniel for quite some time. I felt bad considering I told a few new people/friends that I'd be out tonight, but my body just wasn't having it. 

Anyway, stepped on the scale tonight and I am at -37 lbs. I am running on empty with pants that fit, which means shopping at some point when I get some money. Good thing my birthday is coming up, that usually means a little moolah sent my way.  Now, another 5 and I will be ecstatic.

Time for sleep. 9am comes quick.

It's a dreary day filled with rain and wet leaves coating everything in our yard.  I'm procrastinating on finishing my hair, dressing, and then running out to accomplish a slew of errands on my last of three consecutive days off from work.  It's been nice but, as always, way too brief.  It's also been emotionally taxing for me in a way I haven't dealt with for some time.

Many people, particularly the people that *really* know me,  know that I have empathetic abilities and part of that is that I take other people's emotions- happinesses, stresses, etc etc- into myself.  I'm no good at shielding myself and honestly wouldn't know how to live any other way.  However, the downfall to this is that if someone I'm close to is going through something or extremely stressed, there's no way I'm not going to feel that way, or at least a sense of anxiousness, too.  Just makes things a ltitle more complicated, but again, I wouldn't know how to live any other way and not sure I would choose to, either.  And while I may be no good at shielding myself, I thank god that I have excellent coping skills both for my own problems and those that I take on. I'm fairly successful and dissipating energy that I don't want in order to go about my business.  Still, my heart aches for many of my friends and family who don't have the best coping skills and who are easily overwhelmed by the hands life gives us.  So many times I have doubted myself in the past and thought myself weak, but time and time again as I compare myself to what I see in others and life around me, I see that I am much stronger than most, though just as fallible as the rest.  That's difficult for me to deal with, for me to see the struggles in someone else and not be able to reach in and fix it myself.  It can be a slow process in positively influencing someone or opening up another way of life, but of this I don't have a choice in the matter so we all use what tools are available to us, right?  I just always wish I could do more and be more as it is easy to forget accomplishments in the face of challenges.  I just try to keep on being me, being true to myself and those around me, and know that all I've invested in myself, others, and life will see me through.  I have ultimate faith in myself, but necessary faith in my loved ones born into my life and brought in by me.  Above both those two faiths, I have faith in the Universe, in spirituality and the lessons Death has taught and shown me- and which I allowed myself to see and absorb.  What a difficult but beautiful existence.

So in all that writing and updating, I completely neglected to mention that Thursday the 30th was the 4 year anniversary of Michael's death.  And you know, it was a lot easier this year....even noticably more manageable than April when it was his birthday.  I think part of it was that I was so, so, so busy with Halloween preparations and thinking about our performance and everything.  I had so much on my mind and my agenda that there was no time to go through it emotionally.  Saturday I ended up crying a little on the phone to Jada, and then Monday maybe it was, I completely bawled at the end of an emotional movie that just triggered the sobs.  It needed to come out, though.  I miss him terribly and think about him every day, but thanks to a busy social life and great friends, plus my parents, as time progresses I become better equipped to deal with it.  The depressed moments, the really crazy emotional ones, all that kind of stuff--- they come less often and less severely.  I think part of that can be attributed to getting to the point I've wanted to in a few areas of my life and myself.  It gives me something to balance that pain out with.  It's something, a complete state all unto itself, that will always be with me and a part of me.  It has built onto me and strengthened me and is a big part of why people are frequently telling me that there's just "something" about me, or that I'm a person that "gets it" or "knows".  I guess that's the spiritual connection.  And as much as I hate the pain and the grief and the sadness, it has allowed me to attain positivity from it and aquire people in my life that have that special something, too.

My parents casually inquired as to what I might want for Christmas this year.  I was trying to think of something, maybe a new lens for my camera or something along those lines.  THen I talked to Mario on the phone the other night and I haven't seen him or Casey or any of the Grand Rapids crew for a long time.  It would be really nice to go out there and visit, just relax and sit around Mario's dining room table, smoke cigarettes, enjoy our cocktails, food, and listen to music- or more like, experience the music.  GR in the Winter is slightly more bearable than Minneapolis, but that's ok, I can handle a little snow so long as my plane gets there ok.  So perhaps I will ask my parents for an airfare voucher and go visit in February or March.  I miss those guys, it's time I get out there again!  I miss traveling, but I miss my friends that require a bit of traveling to get to.

I think I have successfully caught up on sleep between last night and today.  My cell phone was off and the house phone upstairs and I settled into a zillion hours of blissful sleep.  Now, tonight, I'm going out to XS for the usual Thursday night. hehe

I stepped on the scale when I got up today and, yay, another lb gone. That makes -33 now.  The progress is much slower now, but it's still progress.  It would be nice to be down another 4 by my birthday, but we'll see.

Well, I was doing it again- lying in bed writing journal entries in my head until finally I got up to go to the computer and suddenly it becomes that much more difficult to get them onto this screen.

So much has been going on lately, I can't even remember it all but going back to my most notable memories- Halloween Thursday and Friday was a blast!!!!! The club was packed both days and we performed the Time Warp and Sweet Transvestite from Rocky Horror.  The college night crowd, well, a good number of them had no idea what we were doing, but Friday was a different story, as we knew it would be.  I had so much fun doing the show.....I can't wait until another opportunity comes up where a bunch of us can get together and perform.  Friday's show is on youtube.com,  my username is "violetsuede" and it's the most recent video added to that account.  I hope you all enjoy watching it as much as we enjoyed doing it!

Anyway, Friday night I hit the club with Jada as Jada (I call him Jada all the time even when not in drag) and we had a great time together and also with Seneca and Matt.  I'd have to say it was really the first time we went out together- got ready together and spent the majority of our time at the club together.  Sometimes I get pulled in many different directions with different crowds of people and friends and it can be quite hectic and exhausting- so nights like Halloween where I palled around with one or two people are a nice change of pace.  Plus, I have to say, Jada looked amazing.  I had never particularly noticed her beauty before she and I became friends, and I'm not sure how that happened because I (and everyone else) couldn't stop staring at her.  I'm not sure why I felt so strongly about it- I do, after all, have many attractive friends......perhaps it's that I feel joyful in witnessing the physical embodiment of her inner beauty and it makes me proud because that may be as close as she can come at this point to putting her emotions on her sleeves, at least, in a more obvious way.  And that is not to say that he or anyone needs to put on makeup and a wig to be beautiful- I find Daniel to be extraordinary in ever aspect and don't separate the two in my head.  Certain things are just a little more apparent in drag.

And speaking of Jada, I am actually typing on her loud-ass keyboard while she sleeps. Forgive the interchanging pronouns, btw. I know she sometimes reads this so it's a little strange trying to write......but what needs to be birthed into text needs to be birthed into text and that's that.

I ended up coming here the other night and just kind of stayed since I had Monday off. Spending this time has allowed me to gain further insight into my friend and I always particularly enjoy this stage of a new friendship. The people I chose to allow into my closest circle are some of the most fascinating, complicated and inspiring individuals.  They are similar in many regards, more than I would ever articulate to them (the exception being Travis who I've had these conversations with). As someone that lives for my relationships, it's always a risky situation, but the benefits are tremendous.  I am incapable of living a safe existence- in order for me to see past other's walls, I have to take my own down.  I've gotten hurt more than a few times from doing this with people that weren't ready or weren't capable of sustaining a proper friendship and growing as individuals and as a 'team'- but at the same time, that pain and hurt made me stronger each and every time so that I can give more of myself to others and whoever is next to grace my life with their presence in it.  I refuse to let fear get in the way of living my life as I feel I'm meant to.  I inherently know others well (continued above)